This is new for me.
Feeling equal parts in love with my tiny new home, and yet completely alone.
Waking up still instantly not knowing where I am, and just as quickly wondering where she is.
What is the word for knowing you shouldn’t be with someone, yet not knowing how to be without them?
I bought a candy bar today for the first time in years.
I took or home and stood alone in a tiny little sleep dress in my cute little 1920’s kitchen eating my candy and drinking a beer from a mason jar…one of a set of 12 that she and I bought together. It was one of those days in a grocery store with her when I was so stupid happy I could have cried.
Now, I’m just a girl in her apartment with her 1 of 2 mason jars that I decided I deserved from a set of 12 when I moved out.
I’ve of course met a new girl.
She’s smart, and fucking pretty as hell, and solid, and (for once) the same age as me. She’s something unbelievably authentic…and I’m terrified in a way that is wonderfully new.
I can’t do it all again.
Open up just to be gutted.
Trust just to be betrayed.
Love just to be abandoned.
But everysinglefuckingtime I fall in love it feels worth it, and different, and “real”. So now what? How do I keep protecting myself while still living and loving? How do I keep loving while still harboring such incomprehensible fear?
I think I’m supposed to just let go, trust…but I don’t really have the blueprints for that anymore. So I’ll pull my guard up, and then slam it back down in the hopes that some day someone will truly be what they promise they are, and permanently give my heart a place off of my sleeve.
I actually DO need some help with my modem! Do you have a help line?
And thank you…I just try to survive…that’s all.